


Keep Your Enemies Closer

by oursisthefury



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Don't take any of this seriously, F/F, F/M, I know more about Red Dwarf than Star Wars, M/M, Star Wars AU, written purely for fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursisthefury/pseuds/oursisthefury
Summary: Lister works for the Resistance but his boss, Kochanski, just isn't impressed with him. That changes when he encounters Arnold J. Rimmer of the First Order.Or maybe the encounter only pisses off Kochanski more?(Co authored with my twin sister)
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer, Kristine Kochanski/Yvonne McGruder
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	1. Smegged

**Author's Note:**

> I've probably gotten a billion things wrong in this chapter alone. Other chapters will be longer but I wrote all this without breaking it up so that's why it's awkward rn.

“How come I never get assigned to any missions?” Lister asked. Kochanski regarded him with a reproachful look and then gave a tired sigh, “Because you never put any effort into the missions and when you do put in effort, you mess it all up.” “Mess it up? Are you referring to the one rescue mission I was a part of? I did not mess that up!” Lister protested, pretending to be offended. Kochanski, his boss, still did not look amused. “You rescued an organism that did not need rescuing. A foreign organism that you brought back on the ship and that you still have in your possession.” she said sharply. “You mean The Cat?” Lister question. She exhaled and then scowled, “Of course I do! When did the rescue log have any mention of a cat? If there had been a cat, the log would have said so! Honestly, what could have possessed you to approach a cat on an alien planet?” “I dunno, I mean it looked just like a cat at first. Very cute, and you know how I love cats... I thought it had been with the crew!” Lister answered. “And you didn’t even get rid of it when you found out otherwise?” Kochanski asked tiredly. “No! He’s me friend now! Just because he’s a cat man doesn’t mean that he should be locked up or dissected!” Lister exclaimed. “And see? That’s exactly why you don’t get missions.” Kochanski retorted, sighing again. “Come on, sure that mission went kind of south but give me another chance!” Lister pleaded. “Another time, Lister. Go away now, I’m busy.” Kochanski said dismissively and Lister deflated.

Back on the Red Dwarf, The Cat was lounging and consuming an inordinate amount of fish. He greeted Lister with a half hearted wave, “You get the job, bud?” “No... Kochanski doesn’t think I’m up to snuff.” Lister complained. “Why not? If you don’t get paid, how else are you going to buy me new clothes?” The Cat asked worriedly. “Because of the mission where we met. They still don’t trust you or forgive me for that.” Lister sighed and headed towards the cockpit. “We leaving?” The Cat questioned. “Yes, they don’t want us here.” Lister said with a slight sulkiness. “Their loss.” The Cat shrugged and went back to chowing down. Lister continued on and set the course for a galaxy far from there. Maybe Kochanski would come around. Maybe. 

—————————

Lister, while sleeping in his bunk, was jolted awake suddenly by the whole ship moving awkwardly. Alarms blared an instant later and he raced to the cockpit where he saw that he was caught in a tractor beam, being pulled towards a large dark ship. The ship looked to be a First Order model. “What’s happening?” Cat was by his side, looking concerned. “We‘ve been caught by the First Order! Smeg! There’s no way outta this one, Cat! How’d they guess we were Resistance?” Lister cursed just as a transmission appeared to come through. Lister, knowing his options were limited, accepted it. “Don’t try to resist us, Rebel scum, you’ve been caught by Arnold J. Rimmer of the First Order. Trying to fight back or escape would mean a death sentence.” A snide and commanding voice filled the ship. Lister cursed again and looked at Cat, “I think it’s best if you turn into a cat. We could try to escape with you like that.” “How?!” The Cat demanded but for once he decided not to argue as he leapt into Lister’s arms as a sleek black cat. “Maybe you can try and set me free from the cells?” Lister suggested just as the ship was locked into place by the First Order ship and were promptly boarded. “Sure, put it on me...” The Cat complained unhappily as footsteps approached them rapidly. 

The hull of the ship was entered by several service droids, who with their weapons, gestured for Lister to get between them. Six in all, two back, two side and two front, they marched Lister onto the much larger ship. While they were walking, Lister cut a quick distress signal out on his watch to the Resistance headquarters, hoping they’d get it in time. The droids halted suddenly and Lister almost ran into the back of them as they parted and there stood a man, looking extremely smug in a smart black uniform. This could only be Rimmer. “Can I help you with something?” Lister asked as Cat raised up his fur and hissed low from his arms. Rimmer sneered at a service droid beside him, one that was actually looking at Lister with a semblance of pity, “The Resistance sure are a thick lot, aren’t they, Kryten? We obviously want to question you.” “Yes, they are dumb, sir.” Kryten, the droid, agreed half heartedly. “I don’t want to answer your questions though, unless they’re fun.” Lister replied. “The only one having fun here will be me when I’m beating the answers to my questions out of you!” Rimmer snarled, suddenly aggressive. “Easy, Rimmer-” Lister tried. “Don’t call me that!” Rimmer snapped. “Okay, cool it, Arnold-” Lister attempted. “No!” Rimmer still fumed. “AJ?” Lister asked. “What’s the J stand for anyways?” “Shut the smeg up, you gimboid! It’s Commander sir, to Rebel scum, like you!” Rimmer finally spat. 

“Smegging hell, why’d you have to drag that all out, Commander Rimmer, sir?” Lister questioned and Rimmer didn’t seem to take offense to that. “Shut up! Take him to cells while I search his ship and report back to command!” Rimmer ordered before he seemed to notice The Cat for the first time. “Is that a... cat?” he asked hesitantly. “Yeah, can I take him back to the cells with me?” Lister inquired. “No! No animals on the ship! Take that thing from him and destroy it!” Rimmer snapped and Lister instinctively held Cat close to him. “Why can’t I have my cat?!” Lister demanded. “Because you can’t!” Rimmer snarled and then gestured at the droids. “Shoot the smegging thing already!” “Cat! Run!” Lister shouted as the cat struggled from his arms and landed on the floor. When Cat hit the floor, the droids took aim and missed every shot, causing the floor to get damaged as The Cat skittered off. “After it, you idiots!” Rimmer shouted as Lister watched in horror. The Cat peeled around a corner with most of the droids on his tail. 

“You’re an asshole.” Lister snapped, glaring at Rimmer. The First Order Commander looked stunned that Lister had the stones to speak to him in such a way. “You- Take him away, Kryten!” Rimmer sputtered, gesturing rapidly at the service droid. Krysten stepped forward and moved to cuff Lister, muttering a ‘sorry’ as he did so. Lister didn’t resist as the droid cuffed him and didn’t resist as he was led away to the cells. He was promptly locked inside one, all while the droid, Kryten, looked on pityingly. While this was going on, Lister noticed oddly enough that there appeared to be no other humans on board. It reminded him of his own ship.


	2. Abandon ship

Sitting listlessly for what felt like hours, Lister got a notification on his watch. It was from Kochanski. “If you can read this, we’re coming in hot to get you. Try and be somewhere where you can get back on your own ship.” A coded message from Kochanski entailed just as a banging sound caused Lister to look up. On the other side of his glass prison was The Cat, who was grinning at him but looked out of breath and frantic. “Cat! Help’s coming but you gotta get me outta here!” Lister said, scrambling up and pressing himself up against the glass. “How?!” The Cat demanded. “Try the control pad!” Lister pointed nearby to the panel. The Cat hesitated before pressing some buttons. When the cell didn’t unlock, he tried again and after that, alarms began to blare long and loud. “Oh, nice going!” Lister remarked. “Hey, I’m trying my best here!” Cat shot back. “Perhaps I should give it a go.” A new voice entered the conversation and both men saw that the droid, Kryten, was coming from around the corner. “Stay back or I’ll...” The Cat warned but didn’t get around to a threat. “Don’t worry, I just want to let Mister Lister out.” Kryten replied calmly. “And why would you do that?” Cat asked, squinting suspiciously at him. “Cat, just let him let me out already!” Lister interrupted and Cat slid to the side as Kryten entered a code and the doors to the cell popped open. 

“Huh. Why haven’t the alarms gone off?” Lister questioned when he stepped outside. “Because we’re- the ship is under attack right now.” Kryten answered. “Then why isn’t it saying that?” Lister asked. “Because the ship’s computer isn’t very sound.” Kryten replied. “Alright, never mind. Thanks for the help! I know you’ve already done this for me but do you know the way to my ship?” Lister asked. “I can show you the way, yes-“ Kryten replied but then the ship rocked violently. “I do believe that we’re taking fire, sirs.” “Yes, from my side, which reminds me, we should go!” Lister insisted. 

“Where’s that Commander of yours?” Lister asked as he followed Krysten closely. “Probably cowering under his desk. He’s never been in a battle before.” Krysten snipped. “How’d he get this job then? Isn’t this a nice ship?” Lister said, confused. “It really isn’t.” The droid stated. Just then, a communication came through to Lister, “Tell us when you’re ready to leave because we’re going to blow the ship.” “Smeg! Let’s get to my ship and get outta here!” Lister shouted and nearly tripped over something in the hallway. The something was two small cleaning droids, the Skutters. “Aw, these are cute!” Lister said and scooped them up in his arms. Kryten gave him a shocked look. “What? The ship’s gonna blow and they don’t deserve to go up with it!” Lister answered and ran. 

“Here’s my ship! Let’s get it unattached from this thing!” Lister directed and Kryten mashed some buttons. The door to the Red Dwarf opened and Lister ran aboard, dropping the Scudders safely inside as he did so. The Cat leapt on board but Kryten didn’t. “Come on, we gotta go!” Lister urged the droid. “I’m not coming, sir.” Kryten replied. “The smeg you aren’t! C’mere!” Luster jumped forward and grabbed Kryten, jerking the droid on the ship. “But I’m-“ Kryten protested. “You helped me so I’m helping you.” Lister said and closed the ship.

Inside, he reached the cockpit and steered the ship away from the First Order craft. The other craft appeared to be heavily damaged and was smoking on one side. “I got out! Blow it!” Lister typed into his watch and watched as Resistance fighter jets swooped in for the kill. Very little return fire was being launched at the fighter jets from the First Order ship’s end and in seconds, or so it felt like, the ship went up in a massive flaming explosion. Lister’s ship was just far enough away to escape getting damaged and they watched as chunks of melted metal and scraps floated by. 

“Lister!” Kochanski’s voice crackled on his watch. “Yeah?” he asked. “You’re okay?” she sounded concerned. “Yeah, yeah, me and Cat are fine. Thanks for the save back there, boss!” Lister replied. “Don’t mention it, it was good that we got to destroy an enemy ship.” Kochanski said. “Now head back to base. Your ship needs looking over. As do you.” “I’m fine, I promise.” Lister assured her. “It’s protocol.” Kochanski said curtly. “Alright, just let me program- Wait a minute, the system’s bugging...” Lister remarked as he tried to access the location locks but couldn’t do so. “Something wrong?” Kochanski asked. “Hold on, the computer’s just acting slow-“ Lister tried to press a few buttons to get the system to respond when on the widescreen, a man’s disembodied floating head appeared and uttered, “What is up, dudes? New ship, huh? I like it, not as big as the other one, but big enough.” “What the smegging hell? Who’re you?” Lister demanded, slack jawed. “Erm, if you’ll permit me to intervene, sir, but that’s Holly. The First Order ship’s computer.” Kryten spoke up and Lister turned to him, confused. “The ship’s computer? What the smeg is he doing here then?” “Let me answer that, when I saw that my home ship was getting majorly destroyed, I linked up with your ship since you didn’t have a computer. It was a matter of self preservation, I’m afraid.” Holly, the computer, said. “Can we get rid of this head? He’s weirding me out.” The Cat complained. 

“Is he, you know, evil?” Lister hissed quietly to Kryten. “Evil, sir? No, he’s not, he’s just rather simple at times.” The mechanoid replied honestly. “Cool. Maybe we can make this work.” Lister said. “Holly-'' he began. “Running diagnostics. Booting up the ship’s hologram.” Holly said suddenly. “What? But we haven’t got any hol-“ Lister started but stopped as a hologramatic projection began to appear before their very eyes. It was a very wavy and staticky project of a man, a man dressed in the familiar attire of a First Order officer... A man who screeched with a familiar whine, “Gazpacho souppppp!” That man, now fully materialized as a solid hologram was none other than Arnold J. Rimmer of the First Order and he stood before them, quaking, with his eyes shut tight. “Rimmer?!” Lister demanded and then turned to gawk at Holly. “Oh god, am I dead?!” Rimmer yelped and opened his eyes. He took in his surroundings with the utmost panic before backpedaling through the control panel of the Dwarf. There, he stood stunned, as his lower half completely vanished. “You’re a hologram, bud.” The Cat pointed out lazily. “How can I be dead?! Is this Hell?! Where am I?!” Rimmer screeched and scanned his surroundings some more. His eyes landed on Lister and focused on him hard. “You!” he cried. “You blew up my ship! You killed me, you- you murderer!” “Hold on a minute, I didn’t blow you up. That was me allies- But you’re one to talk! You kidnapped me and tried to kill me and The Cat!” Lister retorted. “For a man so obsessed with a mindless animal, I don’t see it anywhere around. Don’t tell me it went up with my ship?” Rimmer sneered as if he was getting the upper hand. “Hey, dog breath, you’re much too hideous to shut down my style.” The Cat snapped. “Sorry?” Rimmer squinted at the Cat, trying to place him. “Meow.” The Cat replied and flashed his sharp teeth. Rimmer paled and blinked rapidly, “He’s that cat?” “Buddy, I am THE Cat.” The Cat sniffed. 

“Oh god, this is too much! Holly! Put the ship on lockdown! Kryten, seize that gimboid!” Rimmer ordered, gesturing frantically at Lister and was surprised when the droid didn’t move. “KRYTEN.” “I’m afraid that I’ve withdrawn from your employment.” Kryten said as politely as he could muster. “YOU’VE WHAT?” Rimmer bellowed, nostrils flaring. “He’s not under anyone’s thumb anymore, Rimmer, he doesn’t follow orders.” Lister said. “That’s not true, sir, I follow your orders.” Kryten said. “The smeg you do! You’re a free man now, Kryten.” Lister stated. “A free man? Why he’s not even a man! Never mind, Holly shut it down!” Rimmer snorted. “Can’t.” Holly said. “What?” Rimmer asked, confused. “I don’t want to.” Holly stated. “You don’t want...? What does that have to do with anything! I’m your commanding officer whether we’re on my ship or not!” Rimmer fumed but realized he was losing ground fast. “Any of you dudes have another hologram we can switch him out with?” Holly directed his attention to the other three. “Nah, just turn him off for a sec, would ya?” Lister asked. “Can do.” Holly said and switched off Rimmer before he could protest.

“Thanks, now could you pull up Kochanski on the main screen?” Lister asked. “I want to let her know what’s going on, and tell her about the prisoner, of course.” “Will do.” Holly confirmed and shortly after, Kochanski’s head and shoulders were visible on the screen. She looked confused, “Everything alright? You went silent for a bit there.” “There was a bit of confusion but it’s all fine now. Got myself a new ship’s computer.” Lister replied. Kochanski’s brows furrowed, “To my knowledge, you never had one.” “Yeah! But now I do! He came over from the First Order’s ship.” Lister stated. “We’ll have to look it over at base, to see if it’s safe for you to use.” Kochanski said and then her eyes landed on Kryten. “Who’s the droid?” “That’s Kryten! He helped me and the Cat escape! He’s part of the crew now.” Lister explained. “I see. Well he’ll have to be cleared as well.” Kochanski said with a slight frown. Probably from so many clearances. “Oh but that’s not all!” Lister chimed. Kochanski smiled stiffly, “What now?” “We’ve got a prisoner on board!” Lister stated proudly. Kochanski leaned forward with interest, “A prisoner? Who?” “Commander Arnold J. Rimmer of the First Order! He’s the one who captured us.” Lister said. He watched as Kochanski frowned and leaned backward, “Are you trying to be funny?” Lister cocked his head to the side, confused, “No...?” “Do you really have a prisoner, Lister?” Kochanski questioned. “Yes! Arnold Rimmer is my prisoner!” Lister insisted. “If you’d done your research on the Resistance at all then you’d know that Commander Arnold J. Rimmer or Ace Rimmer as he is primarily known, is one of the best fighter pilots in the Resistance. So who you have is either lying about who he is or Ace has turned on us. The latter can’t possibly be true considering that I just spoke to Ace and he’s coming to visit the base very soon.” Kochanski stated, annoyed. 

“Er, Miss Kochanski, Mister Lister isn’t lying, I do in fact- I mean I used to serve Arnold Rimmer. He’s a Commander in the First Order and that’s how all the rest of the Order refers to him.” Kryten spoke up. “That doesn’t make any sense.” Kochanski shook her head. “Show me this prisoner.” “Okay, he’s a hologram because he kind of died in the ship’s explosion but queue him up, Holly.” Lister directed and Holly did so. “Don’t you dare- You switched me off!” Rimmer sputtered angrily and then realized he was being watched and studied by everyone around him. “What?” he asked before he noticed Kochanski up on the screen. She was staring at Rimmer with wide-eyed incredibility. “Why are you all looking at me? Say something!” Rimmer screeched. “I- Hold on, I’m going to message Ace.” Kochanski said and disappeared from view for a moment. “Who was that woman?” Rimmer wondered. “Kristine Kochanski, the head of the Resistance. She’s gonna be interrogating you shortly.” Lister answered. Rimmer paled and looked like he was going to say something but instead he promptly bolted from the room by going straight through the wall. “Has he always been such a coward?” Lister asked Kryten. “I’m afraid so, sir, he’s never been particularly brave.” Kryten said. 

“Hello again, I’ve got Ace on the line. Let me just switch his communications link over to your screen.” Kochanski returned and they watched as the screen split in half. A fuzzy image of a man appeared, “Can you read me, Kochanski?” “Yes and I’ve just split the communications link so that you can also address some friends of mine. We want to talk to you about something and show you someone.” Kochanski explained. “Alright, I’m always up for a good chat.” The man, Ace, replied pleasantly in a voice that was startling familiar. The screen gradually cleared and Lister, Kryten and The Cat all gaped with shock. The man on the screen was Rimmer, only much more stylish with a sleek bomber jacket, long silky hair and aviator glasses. He was ever so slightly more handsome than the other Rimmer aboard their ship. “What the smeg?” Lister gaped. “What’s that, chum?” Ace asked. “You’re Ace Rimmer?” Lister asked. “Yes, I am, now what can I do for you?” The man questioned. “Have you by any chance got a twin brother who is in the habit of impersonating you?” Lister inquired, still stunned. “Not my knowledge, old boy, why?” Ace asked curiously. “Then have I got a guy for you to meet! I’m David Lister, by the way.” Listed introduced himself. “Nice to meet you! Where’s this guy you want me to meet?” Ace questioned, scanning the room. “Holly, can you bring him back, front and center?” Luster asked the computer. “Yes, hold on a sec, dudes...” Holly answered and suddenly Rimmer was placed next to Lister. 

“Oh my god, it’s another me! Only much more handsome!” Ace beamed incredulously. Rimmer stared wide eyed back at him, “Who the smegging hell are you?!” “I’m Ace Rimmer, old chap! Commander of the fighter pilots for the Resistance! And who might you be?” Ace asked cheerfully. “I’m Commander Arnold J. Rimmer of the First Order, you smarmy git!” Rimmer snapped back. “Eh?” Ace asked, surprised. “Look at you! Trying to be chummy with me! You’re just a pathetic excuse for a clone of me.” Rimmer huffed although he was very jealous of the man before him. “The only thing that makes you better than me is that you’re still alive.” “Why the hostility? I’m not trying to insult you or anything here. Just trying to get to know you.” Ace said slowly, his friendly grin disappearing from his face. Before Rimmer could shoot off his mouth again, Kryten intervened, “So sorry, Mister Ace, but he’s always like this! He doesn’t get along with other people very well! So his rudeness isn’t because of you.” “Why you insolent-!” Rimmer began but realized that just about everyone in the room was giving him a dirty look. He bit his tongue then. 

“Do you think he could be a clone of you?” Kochanski was asking Ace. “It’s possible... And what a personality he’s got...” Ace shivered with disgust. “He’s an evil clone of you then?” Lister suggested. “He could very well be, old love.” Ace agreed. “Hey! I’m not a clone of anyone! He’s a clone of me, for smeg’s sake!” Rimmer protested. “If he’s a clone then he’s the good one.” The Cat chimed in. “Hey, I don’t think I’ve been properly introduced to most of the people on this ship. Who’s the snazzy dresser?” Ace asked. “I’m the Cat!” The Cat replied, puffing up at the compliment. “He’s called that because he’s literally a cat at times.” Lister supplied an explanation. With a wail, Cat transformed from a black cat back into a man. “Whoa! That’s really cool!” Ace said. “Right?” Lister asked and cut his eyes at Kochanski who rolled her eyes. “I’m Kryten, sir, I’m a service mechanoid.” Kryten introduced himself. “Nice to meet you! Mechanoids are the under appreciated backbones of many operations.” Ace grinned. “And I’m Holly, the ship’s computer.” Holly added. “What model?” Ace wondered. “A little older, I reckon, but I have an IQ of over 6,000.” Holly stated. “You’re a genius, that’s amazing.” Ace said with enthusiasm. Rimmer scoffed loudly, “Hardly.” “Ask me anything. Anything at all.” Holly said. “How about-?” Ace began. “Let’s quiz him later, shall we?” Kochanski suggested. “We’ve got business to attend to. You know, the other Rimmer.” “Oh, of course, sorry Holly, old boy, later.” Ace said. “Understandable.” Holly acknowledged. 

“We’ll question him thoroughly back at the base. When do you arrive?” Kochanski asked. “About two hours or so.” Ace replied. “Lister?” she asked. “Hour and a half, I’d say.” he answered. “Good. You could bring the prisoner in just by his light bee but I’d prefer if you brought him in cuffs.” Kochanski stated. “How? He’s a hologram and he always runs off.” Lister said and waved his arm at the empty space Rimmer had just been. “Make him hard light, obviously.” Kochanski said. “How? I don’t have that kind of technology on my ship.” Lister answered. “I’ll send the diagnostics to Holly and he can transfer the data to Rimmer.” Kochanski said and fiddled around for a few moments. “I better duck out now, friends, I’ll see you all in a couple hours.” Ace said. “Smoke me a kipper, will you?” With that said, he clicked off the screen after they all called out their goodbyes. “What a guy!” Lister said dreamily. “I know right? I need to know where he gets his suits.” The Cat remarked. “Developing a bit of a crush on Ace, are we?” Kochanski asked with a slight smirk. “Maybe.” Lister shrugged. “Don’t worry, it’s normal.” Kochanski smiled. “By the way, I’ve just sent over the hard light information. Holly should be able to use it.” 

“Nice, Holly, make Rimmer hard light and bring him back here. Only don’t tell him. I want to see him run into a wall.” Lister grinned evilly. “I think we’d all like to see that.” Kochanski said amiably. “Got it, boss.” Holly confirmed and after a minute, he brought Rimmer back. “Stop bringing me back here whenever you feel like it! I won’t stand for it!” Rimmer snapped and ran off again, or tried to, but he hit the wall with a loud smack as he ran headlong into it and bounced back with a dazed expression. “Wha...?” he asked dumbfounded as Lister laughed loudly. Even Kochanski was sniggering. “No more going ghost on us, Rimmer.” Lister said smugly. “I’m solid? I can touch stuff?” Rimmer asked and started testing if he really was solid once more. It was almost like being alive again. “Yeah, you’re hard light now.” Lister stated. “What am I even supposed to cuff him with?” “You don’t have restraints on board?” Kochanski questioned. “No! You’re not restraining me!” Rimmer yelped and tried to bolt from the room but Kryten slid in his way. He looked at the droid blocking him with undisguised shock. “Don’t make me hurt you, sir.” Kryten warned. “You what? Hurt me? But you can’t hurt humans!” Rimmer stated. “But you aren’t human anymore.” Kryten said simply. Rimmer blanched and took several steps back, putting his hands up in surrender before whirling around to face Lister and Kochanski. “You’ve won, I surrender myself unequivocally to you and I ask for your mercy.” he said. “Actually, you never had a choice of whether or not you wanted to surrender to us. You attacked one of my men, held him hostage and were going to torture him. And I find it funny that you ask for mercy now when you would’ve given Lister none, am I correct?” Kochanski asked coldly and she saw Kryten nod. Rimmer swallowed nervously at her words. “So it’s only fair that we subject you to the same standard, wouldn’t you say? And as you are aware of by now, Commander Rimmer, you can still feel pain.” Kochanski said curtly and Lister shivered at her tone. His eyes found Rimmer, who was reduced to a quivering, whimpering mess at her words. 

“What do you want to know? I’ll tell you everything! Anything! That you want to know!” Rimmer whimpered, mouth dry. He had the backbone of a jellyfish. “I’ll begin the questioning in the interrogation chamber but it’s nice to see that you’re so willing.” Kochanski said. “You don’t even have to hurt me! I’ll just tell you everything right away!” Rimmer assured her. “Please shut up, I can’t stand it when men whine in front of me.” Kochanski snapped. “Likewise.” Lister agreed. The current display was sickening. “I’m so sorry, ma’am, I’m- I’m just trying to be agreeable.” Rimmer stammered. “Sure.” Kochanski said dismissively. “Yvonne, can you get the word out that I need the interrogation chamber prepped?” she addressed someone offscreen. “Alright, Lister, I’ll see you and your crew for debriefing in a couple hours. And I look forward to getting to know you better, Rimmer.” Kochanski remarked before she signed off. 

“Lister!” Lister jolted backwards with shock as Rimmer seized his right arm with a tight grip. “What the smeg?” he tried to shake Rimmer off but the other man wouldn’t let go. “Don’t let them hurt me! You can talk to them, can’t you? Tell them I’ll cooperate fully! That I won’t make a fuss!” Rimmer begged pitifully. “Let go of me, man!” Lister snapped and to his surprise, Rimmer let go. “Are you seriously asking me to dig you out of the shit right now?” “I know we got off to a bad start but I was never going to hurt you.” Rimmer promised. “Uh, you tried to shoot The Cat right in front of me. And you said you were going to beat information out of me! You didn’t sound like you were lying.” Lister retorted. “Yeah! Where’s my retribution, goal post head? You tried to fry me!” The Cat scowled angrily. “Uh well, well-“ Rimmer floundered, losing the smallest bit of ground that he had. “So save your begging for someone who cares. But you won’t find anyone who cares where you’re headed.” Lister said honestly. 

Rimmer turned the palest of pale and looked sick. He had to stifle the moan of despair that was threatening to burst from his throat. He was smegged in every definition of the word. How could this be happening to him? This was the worst day of his life! And he’d had bad days all his life! Why was life always so cruel and unfair to him? He didn’t deserve it.


	3. Wrong move?

“How’d the interview with Rimmer go?” Lister wondered. “Great.” Kochanski said sarcastically. “As soon as the door to the chamber closed, he hit the floor in a dead faint. We spent twenty minutes trying to revive him. Once he was up, he spilled his guts to everything we asked.” “Did you rough him up?” Lister asked. “Not really, he’d already roughed up himself by collapsing. I slapped him twice across the face and he started crying. It was very, erm, awkward.” Kochanski admitted. “Yikes.” Lister said. “In the end, he didn’t know a whole lot of useful stuff. I’m thinking that the other First Order guys didn’t hold him in high esteem. That’s what Kryten and Holly said anyways. They’ve been cleared, by the way, no evil in the pair of them.” Kochanski stated. “Sweet! Then they can stick around?” Lister questioned. “If they want to.” Kochanski shrugged. “What’ll happen to Rimmer?” Lister inquired. “Right now, we’re examining him in the labs. Ace is heading the exam.” Kochanski answered. “Like a full body examination?” Lister questioned. “No, trust me, no one wants to see that guy naked. It’s more of an outer surface examination. We want to see how similar he and Ace really are.” Kochanski replied quickly. “And after that what’ll be done with him?” Lister asked. “After that, he’ll be shut off for good, no use in wasting energy on him. His purpose has been served in this lifetime.” Kochanski answered. “Oh, okay.” Lister said simply. He didn’t quite know how he felt about that. 

————————————-

“Hey, how do you feel about the turning off of the other Rimmer?” Lister asked as he approached Ace. Ace smiled grimly, “I’m afraid that it must be done, old geranium. It’s hard to think about because he’s me but then he’s not. He’s so weaselly, cowardly and twisted, that I think the only thing we have in common is our names and appearances.” “That bad, huh?” Lister said. “I’m afraid so, Davey, but it’s him being turned off or being locked away. I think the first option is more merciful.” Ace stated. “But there’s no chance that he can redeemed? Kryten and Holly are fine.” Lister argued. “Ah yes but their original purpose wasn’t to serve the First Order. With Rimmer, that’s all he knows. It’s too late for him.” Ace replied with a sad shake of his head. “Besides, I think his personality is too much to be changed. He’s not very agreeable to get along with but I’m sure you noticed that.” “Yeah... I did.” Lister answered. “Okay, glad we had this talk, chum! As grim as it was, now we have the future of the universe to look forward to! It’s in our hands now.” Ace said jovially and clapped Lister on the back. “Yeah, you’re right. See you later, Ace.” Lister bid him farewell just as strange thoughts began to fill his head. Very strange thoughts. 

————————————-

“McGruder! Hi! Do you know where I can get a replacement light bee for my ship since Rimmer’s occupying mine?” Lister said, running up to the second in command. “Oh sure, I can run and get one for you if you like.” McGruder offered. “Thanks!” Lister replied and she told him she’d be back in a moment. While she was gone, Lister approached another technician, “Hello, mate, do you know where they’re keeping that prisoner?” “Downstairs in the interrogation chamber. They’ve got him in his light bee, ready for destruction.” The technician answered lazily. “Dark.” Lister remarked. “If you say so.” The technician acknowledged with a shrug. “Do you know when they’re going to destroy him?” Lister asked. “I don’t know, probably in a couple of hours.” The technician said, seeming annoyed that Lister was pestering him. Just then, Yvonne returned and cheerfully handed over the new light bee. “Right, I’ll just get this squared away in my ship, thanks.” Lister stated. 

“Cat!” Lister caught up to the well dressed feline as he harassed a food dispenser for more fish. “You’d think the food service would be better around here.” The Cat griped, carefully balancing his heaping tray of fish. “What do you want?” “Can you meet me on the ship? Now? It’s really important. Bring everything that you need.” Lister replied. “Why? What’s happening? I’m trying to eat and then nap here!” The Cat protested. “Please just do it? And I promise that I’ll scrape together enough funds to get you that sparkly suit you saw the other day.” Lister tried. “Fine! But this is really a pain in the ass, bud…” The Cat trailed off, annoyed. “Yeah, yeah, I know, sorry.” Lister said and raced off towards the interrogation chamber. 

Since he was the one who captured Rimmer, he had the clearance code to the locked door and he entered it with slightly shaking hands. He was expecting to bump into Kochanski or Ace at any moment as he pushed the door open. Inside the room was a silver table, surrounded by a few chairs. In the middle of the table, a small silver object lay on its side, Rimmer’s light bee. Lister grabbed it and placed it in his pocket before removing the light bee that McGruder had just given him and putting it where Rimmer had just been. Having done that, he exited the room and closed the door tightly behind him. Now he had to find Kryten.

He found the mechanoid in the midst of doing laundry. “Whose clothes are those?” he wondered. “Yours, sir.” Kryten answered. “Mine? I didn’t know I had that many shirts.” Lister said, surprised. “Your dirty laundry basket was in quite a state, sir, so I’m not surprised.” Kryten replied. “Anyways, Kryten, I need you to come back to the Red Dwarf with me. It’s important.” Lister stated. “And I think you should bring the clothes.” “What’s this about, sir?” Kryten asked, concerned. “Can I tell you later?” Lister asked. “Of course.” Kryten answered but he had a sneaking suspicion what it was about.  
\--------------------------------------------------------

“Great, glad to see you’re here, Cat.” Lister remarked as he made his way into the cockpit. “Uh huh, what’s this for?” The Cat asked, unimpressed. “Um…” Lister didn’t respond and instead booted up the ship and engaged the flight controls. He then clambered into the pilot’s seat while Cat watched him in confusion. “We leaving so soon?” The Cat asked. “Oh, Mister Lister, this has something to do with Rimmer, hasn’t it?” Kryten asked. “Maybe.” Lister answered. “What about him?” The Cat asked, irritated. “Let me answer that later.” Lister said as he tried to back the Red Dwarf out of the docking bay. The large red craft was sandwiched between Ace’s ship and several other fighter jets. Getting out without bumping or scratching anything would be tricky. “Attention, Red Dwarf, what are you doing? Your craft isn’t able to get out of that area safely.” A voice boomed over the speakers. The voice startled Lister and he made a sharp turn which resulted in one of Ace’s wings getting torn right off. He panicked and tried to reverse but succeeded in damaging Ace’s ship once more and knocking another jet over. That jet crashed noisily against its neighbor. “Red Dwarf! Land immediately!” The voice shouted with alarm. “My bad!” Lister winced as he finally backed out of the spot before realizing that he’d succeeded in damaging nearly all the nearby ships. Shit. With the ship being free, he pulled it into orbit and sped out into space, calling for Holly to boot up the light speed drive. 

“What the hell was that?! Next time let me steer!” The Cat snapped, seeming frazzled. “Sorry, yeah, you’re right.” Lister replied before removing Rimmer’s light bee from his pocket. “Sir, you didn’t.” Kryten remarked, aghast. “Sorry, Kryts, I did.” Lister answered and switched on the light bee.


	4. Heating up

“I’m just saying that it’s already weird that you rescued the guy but now you’re sharing a room with him? Why?” The Cat asked, puzzled. “My room was the only room that’s been done up and equipped with stuff. Sure, it’s taking a bit to get used to but Rimmer seems more put out by it than me.” Lister shrugged. “So I’ve noticed. He’s making you sleep on the top bunk?” The Cat remarked. “Yeah, says the bottom bunk has more room for his legs or whatever.” Lister explained. “Sounds like bs.” The Cat said. “Right? But he made such a big deal out of it that I just gave in.” Lister sighed. “You’re letting him walk all over you, bud. You should be more like me. Ain’t no one walking over me when I look and dress this good.” The Cat stated and then sashayed from the room. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Lister muttered. 

“Hey, captain, another message for you. From Kochanski. Seems urgent but then again, so did the last ten that you’ve ignored.” Holly broadcast overhead. It had been two days since Lister’s escape and he’d been cancelling all his messages. “I’ll take it this time, Holl.” Lister sighed with defeat. Holly booted it up before adding, “It’s live.” “Okay…” Lister trailed off. “So you’ve finally decided to pick up, have you?” Kochanski’s voice filled the room, her tone dripping with venom. “Oh, erm, sorry, I was busy-” Lister tried. “Busy trying to elude us after absconding with the prisoner? Don’t worry, Lister, you’ve got plenty of time to run after the stunt you pulled on the docking bay! Several fighter jets were damaged and Ace’s ship was almost destroyed! Very clever, I must say, but you can’t run forever. You’d have a better chance if you turned your ship around and handed yourself in right now.” Kochanski snapped acidly. Lister winced at her words. “The longer you wait to give yourself up or if we have to come and find you, the harsher your punishment becomes. You betrayed the Resistance, for fuck’s sake, Lister! What were you thinking? He can’t possibly be worth such a soiled reputation!” Kochanski was rightfully livid. “What will happen to Rimmer if I’m caught?” Lister wondered. “He’ll be terminated.” she answered curtly. “Then you know that I won’t be turning myself in. You’ll have to hunt me down.” Lister said and before she could reply, he ended the call. Oh smeg. 

Two hours later when he was in the navigation chamber, trying to teach Rimmer, Kryten and The Cat how to control the ship, an automated warning flashed across the screen. ‘Incoming Federation message: Fugitives of the Resistance’ the screen read and then two wanted posters appeared, one with Rimmer’s picture on it and the other with Lister’s. Rimmer’s poster read ‘Arnold J. Rimmer, wanted dead for his involvement with the First Order. He is a hologram but can still be killed. Last seen with David Lister, another fugitive, aboard the Red Dwarf mining ship. He is not to be confused with Commander Arnold ‘Ace’ Rimmer of the Resistance. Payment will only be given if his destroyed light bee is handed in. Reward: $5,000’. Lister’s poster read ‘David Lister, former member of the Resistance, now wanted alive as a traitor and fugitive. He was last seen aboard the Red Dwarf mining ship when he helped First Order prisoner, Arnold J. Rimmer escape confinement. Payment will be granted upon his return to the Resistance headquarters. Reward: $15,000’. 

“That’s a lot of money for suits.” The Cat remarked after all of them had a chance to study the posters. “Cat!” Lister complained. “Why am I worth less than Lister? I don’t think that’s fair.” Rimmer whined. “You’re smegged in the head, Rimmer! Me being worth more than you is a bad thing! That means that bounty hunters are more likely to aim for me than you!” Lister pointed out. “At least they’ll try to bring you in alive!” Rimmer argued. “And you think I’ll be safe even when my poster says I’m wanted alive? I bet I’ll get brutalized and probably killed. It’s not like the Resistance will care!” Lister shot back. “Sirs! You’re panicking! Let’s remain calm, shall we?” Kryten tried weakly but his words didn’t stop the argument that was boiling over between Rimmer and Lister. “I’m outta here.” The Cat said and slid from his chair, unwilling to listen to the argument. 

\-----------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, across the galaxy, Captain Hollister (Rimmer’s boss) and Todhunter (Rimmer’s much loathed superior officer) were cracking open bottles of champagne and celebrating the death of Rimmer. They’d heard about his demise at the hands of the Resistance, his entire ship and crew (which consisted of no other humans) had gone up in a fiery explosion. It was the best news of their careers. “What do you think was going through his mind in the last few moments?” Hollister asked as he poured himself a glass and passed the bottle over to Todhunter. “I don’t know, maybe ‘I’ve never amounted to anything in my whole life and now my life is over’?” Todhunter sneered and gleefully took the bottle. “Something like that probably! We should make a holiday out of this, Rimmer’s death day!” Hollister laughed. “It could be a day of celebration for centuries to come.” “Sir, that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard.” Todhunter grinned just as the door to Hollister’s office flew unceremoniously open. 

“Sir,” A trooper stood before them. “What is it?” Hollister asked, annoyed. “Sir, there’s something that you should see. Turn on your computer and check the Resistance bounties. Two new ones just went up moments ago.” The trooper explained. “Okay…?” Hollister said confused and shared a look with Todhunter. He went around to his desk and turned on the device, Todhunter followed him and looked over his shoulder. He clicked on the link that showed the Resistance bounties and then watched as the page loaded up to show him them. The first one that Hollister saw was Rimmer’s wanted poster and he froze with shock at the sight of it. “Is that…” Todhunter gasped behind him. “No, no, no…” Hollister murmured to himself as he enlarged the poster and saw that his joy was crumbling before his eyes. “He’s alive?!” Todhunter demanded. “He’s a hologram but that’s close enough! How the fuck could this have happened? And how did he escape the Resistance?” Hollister asked but then read the next line. “Who the fuck is Dave Lister?!” “At least he’s wanted dead, sir. Click on the other poster.” Todhunter said glumly.

Hollister did so and then they were filled in on who Dave Lister was. “What the hell is wrong with this Lister guy? Is he friends with Rimmer? How?” Todhunter asked baffled. “He left the Resistance for him? Why?” “We may find out after we send some hunters their way.” Hollister remarked.


	5. Offer they can’t refuse

“Just a question for you, Cat, but where do your clothes go when you transform and also how do they come back once you turn back into a man?” Rimmer asked after he’d just seen Lister teasing Cat in his feline form with a piece of string and then watched him transform back. “Hey, I’ve always wondered that too. Tell us.” Lister said with interest. The Cat shrugged, “I’ve got no damn idea, buds.” “Seriously? What about your other species?” Rimmer questioned. “Ugh, I don’t want to talk nor think about them.” The Cat said with a groan of disgust. “Do you want to talk about why you hate them so? For, uh, therapeutic reasons?” Rimmer asked hopefully, hoping to bond over a hatred of family ties. “Hell no!” The Cat retorted and morphed back into a cat, scratching and swiping once more at the string Lister still held aloft. “Hmmm, I’m sensing some trauma there.” Rimmer remarked thoughtfully. “Oh, I’m sure, Doctor Rimmer.” Lister snorted with a roll of his eyes. “Don’t put me down, Lister.” Rimmer said haughtily. “This is serious.” “Yeah right.” Lister shot back. “It is, Listy-” Rimmer began but was promptly cut off.

Holly was announcing something, the trouble was, that for some reason, his announcing voice was jacked up by at least ten volumes so suddenly his deafening deadpan voice filled the ship, startling most of its occupants, “DUDES, THERE’S A STRANGE SHIP APPROACHING US FAST. THOUGHT YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.” During this deafening message, The Cat had leapt up with a startled yowl and hooked his claws into Lister’s knees, his fur puffing up spectacularly. “Owww! Get the smeg offa me, Cat!” Lister howled with pain as the feline cut him deep. His shout of pain caused an already panicked Rimmer to kick his panic into overdrive, “Ohmygod, are we under attack?! Take cover!” The hologram yelped and dove to cower under the table he’d just been sitting at. A few rooms over, Kryten had been in the middle of making Lister some curry but had been so startled that he’d dropped all of it on the floor. It splattered all over the place and looked like someone had vomited everywhere, it, in short, looked like a disgusting chunky mess. “Oh dear.” Kryten surveyed the scene with evident disappointment. 

“DUDES?” Holly bellowed again. “Holly! You’re too loud! Lower your volume! Please!” Lister pleaded as he helped the Cat unhook himself. “Is this better, dudes?” Holly asked, very quietly. “Can’t you just go back to your normal volume?” Lister asked. “Oh this? Yeah.” Holly replied. “Thank smeg.” Lister sighed and rolled up his pant legs to find both of his legs bleeding, full of little pinpricks. “Nice one, Cat.” “What? I was startled.” The Cat huffed, back in human form. “Rimmer? No one’s shooting at us. Please stop hiding under the table.” Lister said, his eyes on Rimmer’s shaking form. “Ah, oh, I wasn’t hiding. I was practicing strategy.” Rimmer replied as he clambered out from under the table, dusting himself off as he did so. “Holly? You said there was a ship approaching? How close is it?” Lister asked as he rolled down his pants and limped off the bed. “It’s slowed down but it’s still coming.” Holly replied.

The crew strolled down to the cockpit, where on the way, they looked in on Kryten and found him cleaning up the curry. “Is that me lunch?” Lister wondered. “It was, sir.” Kryten confirmed. “Eh, clean it up later, Kryts, there’s a ship approaching.” Lister remarked and the mechanoid decided to do that. 

Once in the cockpit, they could see a small black ship, roughly the size of Starbug moving steadily towards them. “Hey, you, the strange ship? Identify yourself before coming any closer.” Lister said into the mic, pushing past Rimmer who was about to spout off the terms of their surrender. The ship stopped and hovered there, as a woman’s voice, thick with a Russian accent answered, “I am Katerina Bartokovsky, I am a hologram who has been sent to replace Arnold J. Rimmer as the primary hologram of the Red Dwarf at the behest of the First Order.” “Hold on now, what?” Lister asked confused and exchanged glances with the crew. Rimmer was wearing an expression of panic and horror. “You are Dave Lister, yes? Well the First Order thanks you for your involvement in the death of Commander Rimmer and wishes to extend to you a peace offering in the form of a better, smarter, much more efficient and much better looking hologram. In short, me.” Katerina explained. “I was a science officer of the highest position before my demise. I will be very useful to you aboard your ship.”  
“Don’t listen to her! Can’t we blow her up?” Rimmer hissed and looked around the cockpit frantically. “I don’t get what’s going on, why would the First Order be giving me a new hologram? I didn’t even kill Rimmer.” Lister remarked. “So you say.” Rimmer murmured. “You were indirectly responsible for his death which was a great service to the Empire. But we were disappointed to hear of his resurrection as a hologram. Which is why, as I explained earlier, I’ve been sent to you.” Katerina stated. “I’d like to see what she looks like.” The Cat whispered to Lister. “I’m sending you a video link so that you can see me.” Katerina said suddenly as if she’d heard and despite Rimmer’s sputtered protests, the link was opened up and a sultry woman with dark hair appeared on scene. She was very attractive much to Rimmer’s dismay and he noticed how The Cat and Lister were eyeing her.

“Damn! We HAVE to trade.” The Cat said eagerly. “What?! Are you crazy?” Rimmer protested. “Are you crazy, buddy? She’s much more easy on the eyes than you! She’s gorgeous!” The Cat shot back. “Come on, initiate the trade.” he urged Lister. “Have you no loyalty?” Rimmer asked although he had next to none. “You can’t replace me!” “I can see that you’re interested in me and I am interested in you right back.” Katerina said slyly, giving no indication of who she was talking to. “She means me.” The Cat stated proudly. “Shut up.” Lister said. “The condition of the trade off would be that you would have to destroy Rimmer’s light bee right now, in front of me, before I get on your ship.” Katerina said. “And let me remind you, it is not murder for he is already dead. The death of a hologram should have no weight on your conscience.” 

“Can we trust her, Kryten?” Lister asked and Rimmer gasped in horror. “I don’t know, sir, but she’s a hologram. How much harm could she be? And think of how useful she’d be as a woman of science!” Kryten replied. “But she’s First Order.” Lister said bluntly. “So is Rimmer.” Kryten reminded him. “No! I’m not First Order anymore! I’ve been reformed! I assure you!” Rimmer spoke up quickly. “I can be whatever you want me to be.” Katerina said in a slow, sultry voice. “What a woman!” The Cat purred. “So who’s gonna crush goal post head?” “Nononono! You can’t do this to me! It’s inhumane!” Rimmer panicked. “Lister, please! You were by my side once…!” “I’m by your side right now, Rimmer.” Lister sighed. “Guys, you can’t be charmed by her right now. I just don’t trust her.” “But, sir…” Kryten trailed off. 

“I don’t like it, okay? It’s shady. Sure, she’s hot but she rubs me the wrong way, ya know?” Lister asked and Rimmer nodded frantically with agreement. Kryten seemed to be thinking but The Cat seemed unimpressed and annoyed. He was also eyeing Rimmer in a predatory way that made the hologram uncomfortable and he pressed himself against Lister. Lister jolted away slightly at the contact and gave Rimmer a look of confusion when the hologram pressed closer again, “What’re you doing? Personal space mean anything to you?” “The Cat, I don’t like how he’s looking at me…” Rimmer whispered quietly and Lister glanced at Cat who did look untrustworthy at that moment. “Okay, fine, but don’t make this weird.” Lister said even though it was already weird. He then gestured to Kryten who came over, “Do you trust me, Kryten?” 

Kryten hesitated, he had decided months ago that Lister didn’t have the best judgement when it came to Rimmer and although he agreed with Lister somewhat about the woman, a part of him wanted Rimmer gone. “Yes,” he said finally. “Can you block Rimmer from the Cat? I don’t like how he’s looking at him.” Lister said. “Of course, Mister Lister.” Kryten replied and moved in front of the plotting feline. “Katerina?” Lister spoke into the mic. “Yes, Dave?” she asked, sounding eager. “The answer’s no, on the swap thing, you know how it is.” he said. “I don’t even know how it is! What is wrong with everyone?!” The Cat yelped and made a move to dive at Rimmer, who let out a small scream and jerked Lister around to serve as a human shield. Before The Cat could even get near Rimmer however, Kryten grabbed him by the scruff which made him turn into a cat and there he dangled paralyzed in the mechanoid’s grasp. “Nice, Arn.” Lister said with displeasure and peeled himself away from Rimmer. “Sorry, I panicked.” Rimmer said half heartedly. 

“I am disappointed by your decision.” Katerina commented. “But I am strangely not surprised. You see, my colleagues and I had deduced there was a hidden nature to you and Rimmer’s relationship. Watching you now, I see that we were-” Lister turned off the mic and cut the video off before she could say anymore. “Hidden nature? What did she mean?” Rimmer asked puzzled. “Don’t think too hard on it.” Lister stated and studied the ship. “Let’s see what she does.” The ship lingered before it began to shift course, seeming like it was going to fly straight past them. “I still say we should blow up her ship.” Rimmer remarked. “We’re not a battleship, Rimmer.” Lister reminded him. The ship did in fact glide right past them and disappear from their view. But still Lister felt uneasy. 

Aboard the First Order vessel, Katerina Bartokovsky studied her stockpile of guns as she prepared to initiate plan B of operation ‘Kill Rimmer’. “Guess I’ll have to kill everyone after all.” she remarked to herself with a sadistic smile as she hefted a blaster onto her right shoulder.


End file.
